Saturday, January 10, 2009

26

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday. How depressing. I've felt old since my 17th birthday and have always awaited the death of my youth with an awful feeling in my gut. I still feel (and act) pretty youthful for my age in my opinion and when you're in your mid 20's I don't think that's considered a good thing by society. Yet I don't want to let it go. I can't. Once my youth is 100% dead and gone, what do I really have to look forward to in life?
Children? ...Marriage? ...Homeownership?
Ugh.
Just the thought of assimilating myself into the "adult" world and allowing myself become completely absorbed in it makes my stomach turn. I already don't enjoy most of the things my peers do like going to bars/clubs, watching sports, cars, etc. It's a world I've never fully understood, and undoubtedly one that has never understood me. I don't want to take part in it and not to be dramatic but I really don't see a purpose in continuing to go on living once I reach the precipice of my youth. It doesn't seem like you're even really living your own life after a certain point. The thought of fully "growing up" makes me cringe. Maybe I'm delusional and that time has already passed me by ages ago. I mean, legally I was no longer a child at 18 but I sure felt old at the time. Have I been living in denial, perpetuating a fantasy for the past 8 years? It's possible but I still feel the lust for life within me. I know it's there because I feel it gradually slipping away as the days pass like fleeting moments... Every day doors close for me, and every day I take a step closer to becoming one of the lifeless husks of the once beautiful people that I see walking all around me; the walking dead.

I haven't updated this thing in ages so I'm making regular updates part of my new year's resolution. This blog is so disorganized that I don't even know where I last left off so I won't bother getting up to date with a recap of the 2nd half of last year. I'm still caught up in all the old posts that I've saved, just sitting there unfinished and unpublished in my "edit posts" box. I'll get around to those eventually too but since my main purpose in keeping this thing is to remember what goes on in my life and my corresponding thoughts, I'm probably going to have a lot of incomplete posts when they do finally surface because I can't remember shit even 5 minutes after it happens. C'est la vie.
No more hope just closed doors
and as we walk into oblivion
every step is a reminder of passing hours
of passing days
of passing lives
of passing away
XXX

3 comments:

Stephen said...

The weird thing about being in the mid-late 20's is that you see yourself getting closer and closer to 30. Which, for all intents and purposes is the age where people are "supposed" to have things figured out and put away childish behavior. It's the age that seems to put you in the class of "old guy" at shows.

I'm glad you mentioned this though because it's always comforting to hear other people who can't relate to the normal life of kids/marriage/cars. I just turned 27 and I can't imagine any of those things. I can't imagine a future of anything really. It's weird to think that the things you are into at 26-27 are essentially the things you were into at age 16, but to a more self-realized extent. If nothing else you've got SYG and all the experiences and memories you're creating through that vehicle and that's an incredible thing. Doors seem to close at points in life, but in the grand scheme, you're still a very young dude and there is always time to make things happen.

Stephen said...

This is Steve Kane by the way. Hope you are doing well buddy. Happy Belated Birthday.

every step is a reminder said...

well put, my friend! good to hear from you :)